Today was interesting, I had my first session with my Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner, after a three month wait too. I’m not ashamed to admit it, it won’t be kept secret, its a positive thing rather than a negative. I spotted the signs, saw my GP and waited patiently for my referral. The issue isn’t that I’m mental, I didn’t even score that high for depression, I did however score 20/21 for Anxiety, higher than I even thought I’d be and I’ve been living with crushing anxiety for a couple of years now. You see you might know me and you might even like me, you might think I’m quite happy, I crack jokes, love a double entendre and am slightly ashamed to admit, enjoy a good deal of time in the spotlight of attention. What you probably don’t know is that sometimes, well most of the time, while I’m doing those things, my heart is pounding in my chest, I’m seeing stars and can’t quite get that nice deep breath that would start making me feel better. There’s no specific trigger, I’ve a permanent sense of doom and paranoia, if something happens I feel I’m somehow responsible or contributed in some way. If you set a status on Facebook about someone doing something to you, I’ll pretty much always assume that person was me. I’m a pessimist, but that in itself isn’t always a bad thing, see I’m rarely disappointed and have found that when I’ve opened myself up to optimism, I’ve been disappointed in the end.
Take my writing for instance, I got optimistic every time I submitted it to a new agent, then that never happened, people read it, tell me they’ve bought it and concentrate solely on the flaws, I’m not an idiot, I see the flaws, I did however write two full length books, I created a world for imaginary people and so surely you can find a positive in that? If I can…
So now I don’t submit, I did one yesterday, then noticed they don’t accept self published works, so I already know that’s a no (it was manoevered through tweets and the fact didn’t come up) but to be honest I sent it knowing it’d be a no, or I knew it was a no, in my pessimist anxious brain.
Anyway, I drivel on pointlessly…It was interesting and it might be positive, but I’m not counting my chickens til at least session three.